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Sitting down to write this today was hard. Really hard. That’s part of why I haven’t been here since May. I kept thinking that if I didn’t come to the blog and write about how I was failing to meet my goals, then somehow that would keep it from being real. As long as I didn’t put it out there that I was regaining weight instead of losing it   , and that yet another month had gone by without me getting into an exercise routine, then I still could turn things around and write the success story I so desperately wanted to write.

Well, that didn’t happen. I’ve regained about 8 pounds since May, and I only managed a few feeble attempts at exercise. I spent the summer, which is normally my best time of year, exhausted and depressed. To call me lethargic would be a compliment. My inner drill sergeant has preferred to call me lazy. She’s a mean bitch, and I have a hard time ignoring her. I’ve spent most of the summer on tumblr, scrolling through fandom posts, and making a few of my own. If there is a rehab for fan fiction addiction, I probably need it. Sgt. Bitch tells me constantly about how I’m wasting time, but time slipped past me, anyway.

If Sgt. Bitch is on one shoulder, reminding me of chores I should be doing, then it’s got to be sweet Auntie Cinnamon Roll on the other shoulder. Auntie tells me that I’ve made great friends, explored new kinds of writing, rediscovered my creative urges, and found new ways to help other people through fandom. Auntie doesn’t care that the cats are overdue for their annual checkups and the new jeans I bought because I had lost weight no longer fit.

With Sgt. and Auntie each spouting their own opinions, I’m in the middle, trying to relocate my balance. I’m wondering why this summer sucked balls so badly it actually made a giant sucking sound and left me feeling battered and bruised.

I hope I’ve found an answer. You know, besides the inherent laziness Sgt. Bitch keeps reminding me about. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but a little over a year ago, I started taking a new medication. I don’t want to get into specifics, but apparently, some people have had to schedule skip days in their weeks in order for this med to keep doing the good work it can do. The first day I skipped, I felt like I had been run over by Sgt. Bitch’s tank. The next day, though, I felt FABULOUS. Like I did when I first started it. Hmm. Maybe there’s something to this. Auntie seems to think there is. Sgt. Bitch is unconvinced. Either way, I’ve been experimenting with skip days, and even skipped a few days in a row a few weeks back. I’ve been busier than a one-armed paper hanger since then, so I’m not sure if the lift I’m feeling is adrenaline from trying to DO ALL THE THINGS (as Allie Brosh would say), or if it’s truly a lift from the new med routine. A couple of days after each skip day, I seem to go back to feeling sluggish, so I need to experiment. Life is supposed to be much calmer for the next few weeks, so we’ll see.

As far as the PPP Project went, I’m currently at 23 pounds less than I was on January 1st, but I am not exercising regularly. My goal was to be at least 40 pounds down, and exercising to build strength and stamina. I missed the goal. Sgt. Bitch tells me I missed it by so far that her tape measure broke trying to calculate it. Auntie Cinnamon is waving the four stories I wrote and all the friends I have made. I’m about to lock them both in the closet.

Even though the PPP Project did not reach the expected goals, I did still go to the convention, and I did have a fabulous time. One of those new friends I mentioned went with me, along with my elder goddaughter, and I met more of those new friends in person while I was there! Could I have possibly enjoyed myself more if I had been a few pounds lighter and had more strength and stamina? It’s possible. Would I not be suffering as badly as I am right now? Definitely. My body is screaming at me right now! I’m exhausted, I ache, I’m swollen, I’m stiff, and I have given up on doing anything more complicated than figuring a tip (which I actually failed quite fantastically at doing this weekend). This is recovery mode, and I’m smack dab in the middle of it. A few more long nights of sleep followed by days of physical and mental rest, and hopefully I’ll be able to balance the checkbook and pay bills before they’re all overdue without making a total mess of things. (Why the urge to write is here, I don’t know. I’ve been tip-tapping away all day, just hoping that when I come back later I won’t be completely appalled.)

How did the convention go, you might be asking? Since the convention was the impetus for all of this, that’s a reasonable question.

IT WAS AWESOME.

I had a great time, managed to work around my difficulties to do pretty much everything I wanted to do, I have pictures to help me remember everything, and I helped to do a lot of good this weekend. I’m doing this again next year, though not buying the truly expensive tickets. If you want to know more about my weekend at the convention, check out my Twitter feed, and I posted a couple things on tumblr, too. Highlights of my weekend: Jensen Ackles ran through the crowd after singing at the Louden Swain concert Saturday night, and I think I smacked his thigh after smacking his hand as he ran past me. That may not be a highlight for him, but it’s a nanosecond I’ll treasure! I hugged the living heck out of Travis Aaron Wade while getting his autograph, and have declared him one of the best huggers ever. Seriously, he’s the sweetest guy in the world, and if you get a chance to hug him, DO IT. He’s freaking awesome. I also got the stuffing hugged out of me by Jared Padalecki, and there’s photographical proof of this. When my BFF saw the picture she said, “Well, your forehead looks happy!” Yeah, it’s hard to not be happy when Jared Freaking Padalecki is wrapped around you like a vine! He’s amazing and sweet, and just like Travis, if you get the chance to hug him, DO IT. Pay whatever they’re asking, it’s worth it! Other highlights included meeting friends (as mentioned before), helping the AKF:Chicago group (they raised money to go towards To Write Love On Her Arms and Team Levi), helping a couple of fans from other countries get autographs they normally couldn’t get, meeting Megan Padalecki and getting her autograph on her book for a friend’s son, learning more about Louden Swain and experiencing the awesome concert (if you don’t know their music, go to iTunes NOW and check them out, you won’t regret it – I’m officially a groupie, now!), and catching up a bit with Karla from SPN Survivors.

As a friend always used to say, sometimes you do things that you’re technically not supposed to, because it’s worth the pain that will follow. I don’t care how awful I feel right now, this past weekend was worth the price I’m paying. I made connections, I helped, I smiled, I laughed, and even Sgt. Bitch is being quiet about it. I strongly suspect Auntie shoved one of those cinnamon rolls down her throat.

Pics or it didn’t happen (All are pics of pics, so very crappy. I’ll get the digital files later. I’m only posting my pics that don’t have other fans in them for privacy reasons.):

Me with Misha Collins as Castiel

Me and Misha Collins in his Castiel costume

Me and Jared Padalecki

Me and Jared Padalecki

Me and Mark Sheppard

Me and Mark Sheppard

Me and Louden Swain

Me and Louden Swain

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